Sunday, August 4, 2013

Hallucinogenic Weight Loss - Medoc Meltdown 50K

Wanna lose some weight? Wanna lose some weight and totally roast your brain? Wanna have an awesome time? If you answered yes to any of these questions, follow me to the Medoc Meltdown 50K Fat Ass event next year, because the free hallucinations at Medoc are done for this year.

If you are not familiar with Fat Ass events (hence forward, abbreviated FA to avoid triggering the NSA terrorism profanity filters), let me try to explain them. No, there's too much. Let me sum up. FA events have no fees, no awards, no aid, and no wimps:

  • No Fees: Free! The events are totally volunteer driven, usually by your fellow awesome runners. You pay nothing and you get way more than your money's worth.
  • No Awards: What? You want some cheese with your whine? Suck it up and run!
  • No Aid: Self supported. No aid stations. What part of "free" don't you understand?
  • No Wimps: Nobody at a FA wants to listen to your bitching and moaning, unless you do it with a smile on your face. Remember, you are here because you want to be here!
By FA standards, Medoc Meltdown is top notch. Not only do they break several of the cardinal rules of FA events, but they take pride in doing so. While keeping the event free, there are still awards for the nutjobs willing to slog it out for 50K on a steamy August day in North Carolina. OK, the awards are painted rocks, but my gawd, did I want one! And am I ever jealous of the crazies that actually finished all 50K to "earn a rock". 

No aid? HA! There was water and gatorade available at the start/finish of the 8+ mile loop which was also accessible from the half way point of the loop. So, aid was available about every 4 miles. That's better than some "real" races I've run.  And I won't mention the freeze pops, cookies, Coke, potato chips, and pickles available for the runners. And I definitely won't mention the hot dogs that were sizzling on the grill. That would just be cruel for you people who thought this FA was aid free. 

No wimps? Again, HA! I attended, so that rule was shattered as soon as I ran my first step. However, I will say, this is a serious running endeavor. And by serious, I mean f'n difficult! 

Half Assed
I managed to complete 2 of the 4 laps (for about 17 miles) in just over 3 hours, and it was probably the hardest 3 hours of running that I have done. A hard ass half ass! It wasn't the horse flies. There were plenty of those diving at my head like tiny, angry, fighter jets. It wasn't the snakes. The two giant black snakes I saw laughed at me as I ran past. Not worth the venom they snorted. It was definitely the humidity. 

Humidity Hallucinations

I'm a NC native, so I'm familiar with the dog days of Summer humidity around these parts. But this was just insane. My glasses kept fogging over, and my camera totally fogged up after an hour of riding in my sweaty pocket. I swear my eyeballs fogged over too. 

By the time I finished my second lap, my shorts were dripping with sweat. Not my shirt (I didn't even bother wearing one). My shorts! And I started hallucinating during the last couple of miles. Weird, foggy shapes drifted through the trees. Trees gently swayed in a breeze that didn't exist. And talking snakes slithered across the trail in front of me. I'm pretty sure Medoc isn't the Garden of Eden, so my brain must have truly been melting down. It was so incredibly awful that I plan to go back again next year and try to complete all 4 laps.

I've spent the past 24 hours attempting to rehydrate my desiccated body with quality beer. It's not working, but I feel pretty good. I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to run 4 loops next year to earn a rock. I figure if I can at least hallucinate that I ran 4 laps, that will be good enough. It's a FA after all.

Nothing gets between me and
my Calvins. Except sweat.
Photo courtesy of Frank Lilley.