Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Der Scott's Marathon Training Plan

For those of you wondering how I manage to pull off such marvelous and astounding feats of marathon mediocrity, I thought I would publish my 13 week training plan. Follow this plan and you too can run your next marathon while sick, broken down, and totally out of shape.

13 Week Marathon Training Plan

  1. Runs: 4 miles, 5 miles, 9 miles. Start slow. Procrastinate and skip your training runs. Drink extra beer to carb load for next week's training.
  2. Runs: 5 miles, 5 miles, 10 miles. Run really, really hard during the first 5 miler. Pull a calf muscle and bail on the remaining runs. Soak your sore calf (from the inside) with quality beer for recovery.
  3. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 11 miles. Limp along slowly for the 5 miler, trying not to aggravate your sore calf. Run half of the 7 miler and then stop because your calf feels like it has a knife lodged in it. Totally skip the 11 miler. Drink an entire 6 pack of beer just so you can handle the pain of using the foam roller on your cranky calf.
  4. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 12 miles. Your calf should be feeling better by now. Be sure to run extra hard during the 12 miler to make up for all the training you have skipped during the past few weeks.
  5. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 13.1 miles. Skip the 5 miler and 7 miler because you are so sore from running the 12 miler with barely any ramp in mileage that you can hardly walk. Run the half marathon race that you were smart enough to schedule as part of your training plan. Try to beat your previous best time by at least 5 minutes. Puke if you have to during the run, but just don't slow down! You are chasing a PR!
  6. Runs: 4 miles, 5 miles, 9 miles. You are basking in the glory of last week's Personal Record in the half marathon, so you skip all the runs this week. Your legs aren't working anyway, so it's a moot point. Celebrate all week by having ribs and beer for dinner every night.
  7. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 14 miles. The 5 miler feels like 10 miles, so you rationalize the 7 miler down to a 2 miler. Try out a totally new pair of shoes for the 14 miler. 
  8. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 15 miles. Skip the 5 miler because the entire sole of your left foot is one giant blister. Throw those new shoes in the trashcan. Instead of wearing socks, cover both of your blistered feet entirely in KT tape and slide them into your old reliable shoes. Limp through the 7 miler. You actually finish the 14 miler, but feel like you have been mauled by a bear. Your running form breaks down entirely during the 14 mile run because you continually try to land on the single square inch of unblistered toe skin that remains on both feet.
  9. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 16 miles. During the 5 miler, all the skin peels off the bottoms of your feet due to the blister leprosy. The 7 miler feels like you are running on hot coals. Curse loudly and colorfully during the entire 2 hours of the 7 miler. Skip the 16 miler because running just sucks!
  10. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 17 miles. Running on your toes has given you a flaming case of achilles tendonosis. Your achilles tendons feel like they may snap after each step, but you finish both the 5 miler and the 7 miler. Skip the 17 miler and do eccentric heel drops for 4 days straight in an attempt to fix your decrepit tendons. Drink beer and take lots of ibuprofen in an attempt to blast the tendon inflammation (and your colon) into submission.
  11. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 19 miles. Skip the 5 miler and the 7 miler. Only the long run is important. Call one of your fast friends to run with you during the 19 miler. Run your fastest 19 miler ever.
  12. Runs: 5 miles, 7 miles, 21 miles. Bail out of the 5 mile run after only 2 miles. Your entire body is inflamed and exhausted. Consider skipping the marathon altogether. Definitely skip the 7 miler and the 21 miler. Catch a nasty cold on the day that you would have run 21 miles.
  13. Runs: 4 miles, TAPER! Skip the 4 miler because your are still sick. Deathly ill in fact. The only runs you experience are while sitting on the toilet. Attempts at carb loading are utterly futile. Weep in sorrow because your raw throat makes your beer taste and feel like sulfuric acid.
Now, go out there and conquer that marathon!