Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Owlbear Attack - Clean Up On Aisle PR!

Apparently, the wizard who lives in the dark, foreboding forest surrounding Owl's Roost Trail didn't take kindly to me claiming a sub-2 hour PR (pathetic/personal record) while running on "his" trail. So, an Owlbear was dispatched to destroy me, or at least to peck viciously on one of my Achilles tendons. Although it took over 2 days, the beast finally tracked me down. PR's have a certain, distinct smell. A combination of musty flop sweat and trail dirt scorched by napalm. Easy for an Owlbear to follow.

Fortunately, Owlbears dispatched by dark wizards come with claws and beak soaked in sleep potion, so they can lay waste to your vulnerable body while you dream of your next PR.




Owlbear Rolls for Damage
The Owlbear attacks while I'm sleeping, so get's damage of D20 + 2 (modifier for my stupidity), and of course he rolls a natural 20. Results:
  1. Right achilles. Pecked full of holes. Seemingly attached only by a few, painful, frayed strands. Walking when getting out of bed is like being stabbed with a knife in the heel. 2AM trips to the toilet are now out of the question. I'm exploring new bladder capacity capabilities.
  2. Left shoulder. Completely dislocated by brute Owlbear force. I am unable to open the refrigerator drawer to retrieve the magical healing Sierra Nevada Pale Ale potion.
  3. Both hips. Actually, entire lower torso has been devastated by a wicked, strong Owlbear hug. Range of motion now limited to about 20 degrees. Good thing I can't walk, because I couldn't move very fast with 10 inch steps.
Next time I cast haste, I will make sure I cast invisibility first. Or, perhaps, I'll just run slower.

12 comments:

  1. PR's are forever:) At least you can bask in that glow!

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    1. Ha! Yeah, I'm basking in ibuprofen right now...

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  2. yeah, the owlbears are really bad this year. I got attacked in my trail half too.Bastard made off with both of my calves. Fortunately I bought a calf family pack at costco, cause Philosophers way 15k is Saturday.
    I am pleased that you are running faster now, because your blog is more entertaining when you are assaulted by mythical creatures.
    However, I am placing my "NO" vote to the "dynamic view" blog amendment. I like the magazine format, but it seems really slow and bloated like an Adobe product.

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    1. I might have to bum a calf off you, Anthony. Mine is totally trashed. I'm beginning to understand how everyone gets injured so often. Pushing the pace is like running on a razor blade. One false move, and...

      I'm with you on the Dynamic View. It's not ready for prime time. Doesn't have full widget support and hoses my post layouts most of the time. Back to the clean Simple template.

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    2. I was tempted by the Dynamic View variations for about three minutes last October. They're all annoying to me unless 98% of the blog's content consists of photos.

      Also, I appreciate the education in mythical beasts and such! Owlbear: Who'd have thought it!
      Condolences, though. That sounds terribly painful. Is there an equally powerful counterpart to the owlbear in order to teach it not to mess with you, a salmonbison, perhaps?

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    3. I keep hoping the Dynamic View will come out with a non-animation flat view similar to Magazine so that the rendering speed isn't so terrible. But the fact that it hoses my layouts really bugs me. I spend too much time pondering picture sizes and placements during post writing to have a view simply screw it all up.

      But thanks for the thoughts, Ash! I'm hoping I've just irritated my achilles tendon insertion and that it will settle down this week. Who knows..

      As for the Owlbear, well I'm just a lowly, novice, Hobbit Wizard. I can't conjure anything more powerful than an order for more beer at the local pub.

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  3. Brother your Runamocs should have at least a +3 Constitution though probably a -5 Wisdom! Might I suggest that you find a pair of these: http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:Boots_of_Swiftness
    ;-)

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    1. Too awesome brother! I'm going to find a wizard who can transform my RunAmocs into "Mocassins of Mediocre Swiftness"

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  4. Just be thankful it wasn't a Monkey Bee: http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

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    1. MONKEY BEES!!! MONKEY BEES!!!!

      Luckily, those don't exist in North Carolina. Thanks for that link! I had a whole list of idiotic D&D creatures in my head for future posts, now I have even more.

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  5. If it will only make you think that you feel better, I will let you know that I also have been hurting since Owl's Roost... I am now sporting the latest in trail running fashion with the black compression sleeve on the left leg only. And of course with it so warm today, and working at SAS, I am wearing shorts so that I can turn the heads of just about anyone as I walk on campus. Ice and ibuprophen and visits to PT tell me that the bike and stairmaster will see more of me than the trails, until the next race... oh, only 17 days away. :-)

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    1. I'm glad and sad that I'm not the only one. You should join me in the RFC for some painful foam roller sessions (ugh!).

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