Thursday, February 2, 2012

Taperchondriac

Oh, how I hate the taper. Some people really enjoy it, but for a neurotic like me, it's pure hell. Seems like every time I stop running in anticipation of a race, my body falls to pieces. First my feet hurt, which is stupid because they have it the easiest during the taper. Then all my old injuries seem to reignite. My hip will hurt for half a day. Then my ankle will ache. Suddenly, both my achilles are sore and tight. Then my hamstrings feel strained. And why is my back hurting?! That's not even involved in running, is it?

And don't even get me started on all of the "regular" sickness that I feel coming on. Is that an itch in my throat?! Great, I'm coming down with a cold 3 days before the race! Better get some extra sleep. But wait, insomnia strikes, so I'm only managing 3 hours or less each night! Ok, the throat itch disappeared, but now my kids are running fevers! ARRRGHH!!!!

Then there's the eating. Or in my case, the attempted eating. "Preload with carb rich food to build up your glycogen stores" all the experts advise. Not! Every time I try this, my irritable bowel stages a digestive system coup d'etat. And it always wins! Eat pasta?! I might as well wash down some concrete mix with hair ball dissolving drain cleaner.

It's very strange. And very annoying.

Now, where is my beer? What?! No alcohol in the last 48 hours of the taper?! Please, someone just shoot me...


13 comments:

  1. But beer has carbs! It's good for carb-loading! Right?

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    1. Avenging Angle, you are so acute. Sadly, according to the "experts" the carb benefit is outweighed by the stress the alcohol puts on your metabolic system, and the dehydration doesn't help either. But then again, maybe I could drink *one* beer and be OK, but where's the fun in that?!

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  2. I'm right there with you. I had my last run today of only 3 miles and I thought my calves were going to explode. I've also found it helps to introduce brand new gear into the mix right before a race. I'm planning to run in compression shorts and calf sleeves that I've only worn once before, woohoo! Maybe I'll start eating anything with gluten in it at the aid stations too! I mean how much poop can leak out of compression shorts, anyways? You might not see bigfoot, but keep an eye out for mudbutt!

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    1. You are reading my mind, Andrew. I'm always toying with the idea of screwing around with my gear and fueling ON RACE DAY. Why do we do that?! Self sabotage maybe?

      Don't eat all the cookies though. My gluten intolerant colon needs to be punished and I can't think of a better punishment than choking down a bunch of chocolate chip cookies on the run.

      Which race are you running? 8 again this year? Or you moving to the 20 or the 40? It's the 40 right? Right?!!

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    2. I'll be anchoring the backend of the 20 this year. See you there tomorrow!

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  3. Don't forget the uncontrolable iratability you @&@&$#%#

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    1. F&^% off, McCarty!

      We'll have a cussing contest in the car on the 2 hour drive down to Uwharrie. I'm practicing already...

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  4. I got the taperitis too.
    My legs have been aching horribly for a week. The floor of my cube at work is littered with stuff I couldn't bend down to pick up.
    I don't think it's all in our heads either. Running produces a dose of natural Advil. I feel it kick in around mile 2 or 3. Take that away and what happens?

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    1. I had no idea it was so contagious, Anthony. I thought for sure that crusty, old racers like yourself had built up an immunity. The thought of this happening before *every* race makes me uncontrollably irritable. F&^% you, taperitis! You &^% &#$ *&%$#%$ &%$@#$ #$(* #@$%^$# !@@#*&^.

      Hey, cussing is like mental Advil! I feel better now.

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  5. My knee hurts. I must be experiencing sympathy taperitis. Hurry up and run the race so I can feel better, please. ;-P

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    1. HA! Anything for you, Ash! But only if you promise to push me up the hills of Turkey Creek in a few weeks...

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  6. Just do somethin' different to keep your mind off running. Learn a new language, or learn to play the tuba!

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