Friday, January 28, 2011

Calling Doctor Google

I had a pain this week. It was a sort of sharp pain below my knee, which radiated dull, hot pain all up and down my leg. "Oh, no!" I thought, "I've hurt myself, again".  So, I did what everyone does these days - I self diagnosed my problem using Google.

"Dr. Google, my leg hurts. I may have hurt it running. What could possibly be wrong?" I queried.

"Could be  periostitis" replied Dr. Google.

"Perio-what?" I replied.

"Sigh, yes, periostitis or Shin Splints" answered Dr. Google.

"Ahh! Shin splints. I can deal with that" I thought.

"Although, you have been running a lot lately, so we can't rule out Exertional-induced Compartment Syndrome. Could also be Achilles Tendonitis" replied the good doctor. "Or maybe Illiotibial Band Syndrome. Are you sure the pain isn't radiating from someplace higher? Hopefully, it's not your knee. Plica Syndrome can be really tough to treat."

"Uh, yeah, maybe, I don't know. My leg hurts..." I mumbled.

"In that case, it could definitely be a Chondromalacia Patella or even something as simple as a Pulled Hamstring. Sometimes PH manifests lower in the leg. Of course, if we consider PH, we must consider causes higher in the chain. Do you hear or feel popping?" asked the doc.

"Umm, err, possibly..." I stammered.

"Could be something such as Snapping Hip Syndrome or Hip Bursitis. Perhaps you have Meralgia Paresthetica. If we can rule those out, then we should move on to more neurological causes, such as Peripheral Neuropathy. Have you had an Electromyography lately?" suggested Dr. G.

"A what? Why do you think I need a...." I was panicking now.

"However, barring a neurological diagnosis, we should investigate other causes of leg pain, such as Bone Cancer" intoned the sage of the inter-webs.

A chill ran down my spine.

"Of course, bone cancer could be metastatic so we would need to explore primary cancer sources, such as.."

I closed the browser window in a cold sweat and limped off to bed. My dreams that night were filled with hospital gowns, Bert from Sesame Street, and Osama Bin Laden.

When I woke the next morning, the pain in my leg was gone.

I hate Doctor Google.